Morgan Up Close

Morgan Up Close (formerly Morgan's Story)

January 22nd, 2004

Me. Morgan.

It's funny, I always thought keeping a diary, journal, or whatever-you-call-it, was extremely cheesy, seriously self-centered (it is, especially if you think about it literally), and a little narcissistic, but anyway, that's beside the point, because the funny thing is that surprisingly, it's my current circumstances that have convinced me otherwise. So, uh...here it goes...

As I fell, time slowed. I watched as the building began to inch by; that worn red brick, those intricate stone windows. Floating, yet all gone to the blink of an eye, but what I want to say is what happened after--I going to tell you what happens when you jump and don't die:

My name is Morgan Olivia Taylor, I'm sixteen years old, and I'm just time any other teenager--I like to listen to music, watch movies, dream about the future--even if only in my mind, because when I was fourteen I tried to commit suicide. Today, I am completely paralyzed and unable to speak.

January 23rd, 2004

Life

After two years here, I become somewhat of an expert of the goings on at the hospital. The routines, the local dialect (which FYI, go way become basics like stat and clear), but most of all, the people (at least those within my realm, with currently doesn't include much beside my room and the busy strip of linoleum tiled hall visible from the bed). Like the secretary, Tina Rogers, who thinks her boyfriend's cheating and her never ending theories, all of which she's like to spring on any poor soul with ears that happens past her desk. At once. Simultaneously. Uh, that poor deaf man. She's not really one for simple solutions, but here's one: break up with him. Or Louis, the night guard, who always sneaks not-so-secret-smoke-breaks on the roof, usually near the end of his shift, when the hospital's at its quietest. Nina and Chris, also on the graveyard shift, usually join him. But my personal is Lisa Reid, a nursing assistant, who often takes care of me, and who over the past couple of years has doubled as a best friend. She is one of two people, my father being the second, that still talks to me like I'm a normal person. After being silent for so long, I guess most  people seem to forget I'm even here--a living, breathing human being. I wish the was a way, a smile, even just a momentary lip twitch, some way to tell them I'm still here. Uh, I'd give anything.

Big Fish/ A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings: A Tale For Children Reflection

        In the movie Big Fish, Will a reporter tries to become closer to the dying father who still remains widely unknown.However, to Will's frustration, this does not prove to be very easy. The father, Edward Bloom, is somewhat of a storyteller, telling enhanced stories of past experiences. As Will puts it, most of what Edward has imparted is "fiction." Though both men engage in describing events to others, the two have very different views on how one should do so. Throughout the film, Edwards expansive imagination is displayed, suggesting an almost child-like and blissful manner, something Will is unable to truly understand and chooses not to embraces. By the end, however, Will learns that Edwards use of exaggeration is just a way to make life more interesting.

The idea of childishness is continued in  A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings: A Tale For Children, through the view point of those in the village. The people express subsequent ignorance, much like when one was a child. As children, one often puts things in the most simple as well as the most obvious terms. When dealing with the angel, the villagers are unable to see how truly miraculous of what is being witnessed, because the creature does not meet society's iconic definition of  an angel. Because of this, the people do not understand the blessings the angel is giving their people and instead take physically from the creature, for example when the "cripples pulled out feathers to touch their defective parts..." (Marquez 3). This once again expresses these peoples ignorance. Ultimately, none of the villagers don't even care when the angel finally leaves.

A Siddhartha Essay

Walking Through Walls

 In life, many continue through the journey without fully grasping the true meaning of life. Through the book Siddhartha, Hesse depicts this, suggesting that one must experience and overcome many obstacles in one's way in order to truly understand and succeed in life. In the book, Siddhartha, like any other person, also faces such challenges. When trying to overcome such obstacles, Siddhartha, as somewhat of a representation of humanity, is hindered often by self-inflicted hubris and ignorance. Only by stripping away the need for frivolous material possessions and in a sense a losing of one's self is Siddhartha able to achieve enlightenment. Siddhartha must therefore, look outside of life itself to see the faults and corruption in order to fix it and gain important knowledge.  

            

 After witnessing this scene, Siddhartha describes another important aspect of these interactions. Siddhartha sees much deeper than ever before. “all [of these things] gave the illusion of meaning and happiness and beauty…” (Hesse 12). By saying this Hesse is expressing how what one believes has meaning may not, and that there is not true beauty of happiness to be found in material things. These things do not make one whole or satisfied. In the end, Siddhartha explains that these things are “just putrefaction that no one would admit to. Bitter waste the taste of the world. Life was a torment” (Hesse 12). Through this, the idea is expressed that one tells oneself that riches and possessions bring happiness, when in fact these things are what causes one’s being to decay. For one to be truly happy and truly whole one must understand that what makes one happy is something deeper and that that thing must be found, but that once it is, one’s life will be fulfilled and whole.

In this section, Siddhartha had to face many challenges. through this paragraph, Siddhartha reflection on this experience. "[Siddhartha has] had to pass through so much foolishness, so much vice,  so much error, so much nausea and disillusionment and wretchedness" (Hesse 81). This expresses the hardship and suffering one must go through in order to find the truth. This search is continued to the next phrase. "...merely in order to become a child again and be able to start over" (Hesse 81).

This part of the citation suggests the idea  that one must become what one hates the most before one is able to scrap away all the corruption of one's life and find the truth. One must be literally ignorant and childish in order to learn. This acts as a new beginning from which one can grow. And that new beginning becomes a starting point from which one has a place to push off of.

                

In this chapter, Kamala, both the elder and younger Siddharthas are grieving for the death of Kamala. As Siddhartha describes the boy, young Siddhartha "' Indeed...too has a calling; he too will enjoy eternal life. But do we know, you and I, to what has been called: to what path...'" (Hesse 100). This excerpt depicts Siddhartha's  hope for the boy's future. Like any parent, Siddhartha wants what's best for young Siddhartha. One's children are in someways one's future and ultimately one's legacy. Children are the part of one that is left after one's death and therefore very important to one's life and purpose. As Siddhartha continues speaking, the future struggles of young Siddhartha's life are discussed and the possible obstacles are analyzed. Siddhartha's concern for the boy is very evidence as Siddhartha continues to speak."'to what deeds, to what suffering? His sorrow will not be slight, for his heart is proud and hard; those like him must suffer a great deal, commit so many errors, do much wrong, pile much sin upon themselves'" (Hesse 100). Siddhartha then acknowledges the struggles one must face. This portrays the suffering one must endure and overcome in order to succeed in one's purpose in life and obtain knowledge and enlightenment.

           

Throughout the book Siddhartha, Hesse discusses the obstacles that one must face in life. It is by overcoming these obstacles that one is able to find one’s true path and purpose in life. These obstacles might be physical like thirst and hunger or psychological like hubris and ignorance. In the book, Siddhartha is able to overcome all these things in order to find the right path, gain the knowledge of one’s true purpose in life, and ultimately achieve enlightenment.

Journal Entry and a Reflection

Journal  Entry

April 25, 2013

"[Siddhartha has] had to pass through so much foolishness, so much vice,  so much error, so much nausea and disillusionment and wretchedness, merely in order to become a child again and be able to start over" (Hesse 81).

This citation suggests the idea  that one must scrap away all the corruption of one's life to find the truth. One must be literally ignorant and childish in order to learn. This acts as a new beginning from which one can grow. And that new beginning becomes a starting point from which one has a place to push off of.

Siddhartha Chapter Ten Reflection

In this chapter, both the elder and younger Siddharthas are grieving for the death of Kamala. As Siddhartha describes the boy, young Siddhartha "' Indeed...too has a calling; he too will enjoy eternal life. But do we know, you and I, to what has been called: to what path...'" (Hesse 100). This excerpt depicts Siddhartha's  hope for the boy's future. Like any parent, Siddhartha wants what's best for young Siddhartha. One's children are in someways one's future and ultimately one's legacy. Children are the part of one that is left after one's death and therefore very important to one's life and purpose. As Siddhartha continues speaking, the future struggles of young Siddhartha's life are discussed and the possible obstacles are analyzed. Siddhartha's concern for the boy is very evidence as Siddhartha continues to speak."'to what deeds, to what suffering? His sorrow will not be slight, for his heart is proud and hard; those like him must suffer a great deal, commit so many errors, do much wrong, pile much sin upon themselves'" (Hesse 100). Siddhartha then acknowledges the struggles one must face. This protrays the suffering one must endure and overcome in order to succeed in one's purpose in life and obtain knowledge and enlightenment.

Siddhartha Citation and Image Reflection

Reflection

"When a person reads something and wishes to grasp its meaning, he does not scorn the characters and letters and call them illusory, random, and worthless; he reads them, studies them, and loves them, letter for letter" (Hesse 35).

"One, already awakening, already on a path to himself, it had appeared to him only natural, a matter of course, to return to the place of his birth and his father now that his years as an ascetic had ended" (Hesse 36).

"From the moment when the world around him melted away and left him as solitary as a star in the sky, from this moment of cold and despondency, Siddhartha emerged, more firmly Self than before, solidified. This, he felt, had been the final shiver of awakening, the final pangs of birth. And at once began to walk again, striding quickly and impatiently, no longer in the direction of home, no longer towards his father, not longer back" (Hesse 40).

About five years ago, we flew to Dallas in order to say goodbye to my grandma who was dying of a chronic lung disease. When we arrived she was already on a ventilator and unconscious. Me, my brother, and my two cousins were confined to stay at her house alone while the adults went to the hospital. None of us were unable to sleep and it went unspoken that each of us in someway believed that if we didn't see her sick it somehow wasn't true and that she would be OK. 

When I first took care of my neighbor's baby, Palmer, I had a realization. I understood then that I was doing something for someone more than myself. I felt important and needed. This little boy needed me to take care of him. From 1-9 months that's what I did, I took care of him. It was amazing.

  

In seventh grade, I had an idea for a book. I was extremely excited, but what I didn't understand then was how much work would go into the effort. Now, more than three years later, I am still working. My book is evolving and morphing into something more than just writing a story. It has become a large part of my life and a part of who I am. The image below is the title of my book that I've had pretty much from the beginning.

Metamorphosis Reflection Essay

          In Kafka's Metamorphosis part one and two, the story is centered on Gregor, a man who is transformed into a beetle and the resulting isolation Gregor experiences because of it. As the story progresses, the form of isolation progresses as well. In the beginning, Gregor's first encounter with isolation is experience because of  the closed bedroom door, a representation of convenient isolation. Because of the present situation with Gregor late for work, the family's reaction varies, with the father being very angry while the sister seems only ashamed, but Gregor is unable to open the door, and treats both in a similar manner, having "no intention of opening the door..." (Kafka 2). By using the door as a barrier, this acts as an example of self-isolation. In doing so, this then suggests a possible fear of the uncertainty of what might happen when the door is removed as a barrier. In this sense the door acts as sort of a protective barrier. Therefore, because of this uncertainty, one may feel a lack of control, and try to use choice to regain control. Gregor next action depicts such a choice. After much of a fuss is made about the closed door, mostly on the father's part, Gregor decides to remove the barrier. Gregor "[makes] an effort to turn the key in the lock" using a newly acquired set of mandibles despite that fact that this action is "obviously inflicting some damage..." (Kafka 6). This willingness to remove the separation in turn suggests a willingness to connect with others. In addition, this action also points to the nature human need for connection, which also acts to humanize Gregor even though outward appearance suggests that of a bug.
           After Gregor come out of the room and is confronted with a confused and angry manager, as well as an enraged father, the situation settles slightly and the sense of isolate is shifted to a less literal and physical form. Confronted by difference of appearance, Gregor takes to hiding under the couch, though "not without a little shame", but felt "very comfortable right away and was only sorry" for the inability "to fit completely under the couch"  (Kafka 10). This also shows an example of self-isolation, though hiding seems to have been chosen more out of comfort than fear. In this, Gregor's action suggests one's need for occasional self imposed isolation. Also as the story progresses, the sense of isolation seems to dissipate until it seems that Gregor actually enjoys the solitude. Alone in the room, Gregor is depicted as "especially fond of hanging from the ceiling" (Kafka 14). This transformation shows how when one is exposed to isolation for a long period of time, one begins to find a way to adapt.

Inferno Reflection 2.0

Of all the cantos in Dante's Inferno, the punishment of Canto 34 is by far the most interesting and the most fitting. Canto 34, in circle 9,  the last and lowest canto, Dante has placed who he believes to be the worst sinners--betrayers of one's masters. There are only four individuals present in this circle, among them Judas, Brutus, Cassius, and, the worst of all, Lucifer. The first offender, Judas, is guilty of betraying Jesus to the Romans,  leading to Jesus' death on the cross, an extremely important event in history. Both Brutus and Cassius, two citizens of the Roman Empire, were responsible for killing important roman military leader Julius Caesar. The fourth and final  perpetrator is Lucifer, a fallen angel who betrayed God himself.  As like Canto 33 before it, there is a frozen lake in this canto also. Called Cocytus, a Greek word meaning "river of wailing," the frozen lake is where these sinners are stuck. In the middle is Satan, considered the worst sinner of all. He is depicted as having three heads and three mouths, each of which containing another one of the guilty. Unable to escape, all three men are being consumed by Satan, forced to suffer for all eternity.

Reflection

Dante's Inferno

I've always been told that all sin is the same in God's eyes, and suppose that if you really think about it, that makes sense (except blasphemy I guess). Sin does all have the same terrible and inevitable end result--the ability to separate us from God. In Dante's Inferno, the author, Dante Alighieri, attempts to rate and categorize  each sin in a very curious manner, an occurrence not very surprising  from a man who decided to put so much time and effort into imagining, in vivid detail I might add, the goings on of Hell and the suffering that takes place there. Like many, I would assume that violent crimes, such as murder, would be placed in the lower circles of Hell, but it seems Dante had different ideas. He has reserved such a special place for those of his choosing, particularly those who have committed fraud or betrayal.

For each category, as well as each subcategory, Dante has a assigned a specific punishments, some of  which seem generic and bland, like burning for eternity (a description that's  been used no less than a hundreds of times before when describing Hell). Among his most creative punishments, though, are those for cantos 4, 7,  20,and 23. Canto 4 is where he has put philosophers and their punishment is to be in darkness. I believe this is truly fitting because they are people who believed in art and thrived in the light (knowledge), but are now forced to exist in total darkness. Those found in Canto 7 are guilty of avarice, or the greed of material things and the waste of money on frivolous items. For this they must continually push rocks against each other, getting nowhere, much like they did in life. I agree, this seems like a very fitting punishment. All who reside in Canto 20 are guilty of a different kind of fraud, Sorcery, evident by  the presence of  fortune tellers  and sorcerers among those in this Hell. These unlucky people have their heads placed on backwards, so that they may only see see the past, whereas they always tried to see too far in life. Finally, in Canto 23, are the hypocrites, guilty of prevaricating their religious views. One of the most fitting punishments of all is the one they are forced to endure. In this canto, the guilty must to wear large, elegant cloak lined with lead, destined to walk a single, narrow path for eternity. This is perfect for their sin, because their garb looks beautiful on the outside, but is truly, quite awful when one cares to look deeper.

Dante Alighieri

Hell

My personal perception of hell would be a place of suffering, extreme suffering. A place where people are reminded of their mistakes. Where people are tormented by everything they did wrong. And sometimes, remembering the truly terrible things they did, in a place where remembering, and suffering, last for eternity.

Freeday Fri-write

     The calm days after Christmas Break have continued with a short and sweet four day week.. So, as this     week comes to a close and a new week begins, let us brace ourselves for the worst, 'cause who can say   how long this will last. It's the "calm before the storm," and it's about to break. Here's something to think about as you go through your week.

                                        "The only easy day was yesterday."
                                                 
                                                                                    -Navy SEAL Philosophy

                                                                              

Fate or Free-will?

     No, I do not believe in fate, I believe in free-will. I believe that God has given us the ability to choose for ourselves, but that He knows us so completely that  He knows what we will choose. With this same knowledge of every person, He can see further, knowing what choice will be made and how it will effect everyone else. Some people say that no one can know everything and that's s good thing. If we knew everything that was going to happen, we wouldn't learn from our choices.From our mistakes. If we knew only good, there would be only one answer, one way, and no choice.

Writing and Me

     As I was reading through the entries in my journal, I started to notice a pattern. For the most part, my analysis-based entries seem dry, poorly written and/or short. One such example would be the following excerpt from a response I wrote after watching the video "Teenage Afluenza is Spreading Fast." "The video...literally talks about Erin's life, exaggerating how hard it is and compares it to life for kids in poor countries." In this particular entry the word choice is extremely lacking and the response is over all poorly written. On the other hand, entries that have a less rigid criteria, such as Friday free writes, I'm able to get more excited (well at least, in this case more emotional) about. "I need to learn to relax again. I want to be able to just read a book and not worry about my enjoyment of it being  temporary. I want to be able to live in the moment, day by day, and not have to think ahead so far. To not have the next few weeks already busy and full when I haven't even started this week." With entries like this, I really enjoy the creative freedom. My style is more creative writing oriented than expository.

(*A great book series FYI)

Like I mentioned before, my expository writing skills are severely lacking. I find that type of writing very bored and that often seems to bleed through into my assignments. My analysis usual seems very short and not well developed. An early analysis I wrote of Ralph from Lord of The Flies is one such example. "He is a very immature character and is not the smartest. People pretty much only follow him because he is the stereotypical 'ideal male.'" Although my analytical writing has improved in the past couple of months, I still have trouble coming up with more in depth  writing. Also related to this is my inability to produce well thought out, "deep" analysis in a reasonable amount of time. More often than not, I psych myself out worrying about the amount given to write, feeling that I am trapped, for lack of a better word. As the new semester progresses, both of these skills will be areas I hope to focus on.

I wouldn't consider myself to be one who suffers from claustrophobia (unless, of course, I'm stuck in a small place) but, for some reason, when writing at school, I begin to feel increasingly claustrophobic. When at ever possible, I would rather write at home, or any place that I choose to write at (choice of surroundings seems to be a major factor in my "classroom claustrophobia"), because that's where the words seem to flow best. As far as inspiration goes, I am often inspired by a variety of different things. In a journal entry from late September in which I discussed my writing, I found an excerpt that neatly sums up my most common sources of inspiration. "I get inspire from all kinds of things, whether that be a *book I've read, or a show I watch. Sometimes it's as simple as something I saw...", for example a rope burn I got on my finger caused me to decide that a fake suicide attempt would be used to frame my main character, Rachel, for murder. I find examples like that to be really exciting because, it proves that inspiration can come from just about anywhere.